Feeling very very happy.

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I photographed my first ever wedding last night. As an added bonus, I worked alongside my dear friend Dzhan. It feels as if it was a whole other lifetime ago when we worked together as Midwife and Birth Assistant. The two of us... we've seen a lot. 

It was another sweet family celebration, another occasion to gently guide and facilitate intimacy; another day when I was thankful to lean on Dzhan's experience and take ahold of the skills she'd taught me. She has a way of meeting me in the middle of uncertainty and quasi-chaos that heaps confidence on me without even speaking. 

I love getting older. Everything is rich and familiar and seen more fully through a filter of deeper life experience. 

I've been thinking a lot about love lately. I've been aware of love's ability to take from me, to leave me with less of myself than I started with.  I can easily calculate the cost of being in a relationship and sometimes it seems easier to keep my heart wrapped up tightly to avoid another loss. I remember being a little girl riding my bike down a gravel hill too fast, dust flying, hands gripping wobbly handlebars, pedals spinning faster than I can keep up with. I remember quickly coming to the realization that there was a very real threat of crashing. I remember time standing still while considering all of my options: hit the brakes? tuck and roll? just enjoy the thrill? feel the wind in my hair? let a howl escape into the breeze? 

Being in love again feels the same. That's what makes it better. I choose it anyways.

I'm still riding. 

What I have learned about myself is that I really don't know any other way. I have to love. It's who I am. I have to let those wheels spin wildly. I have to keep loving. And so I am. In spite of the temptation to censor and protect, and in spite of a very real fear of failure, there is within me an even greater amount of love.   

This love feels full and free and worthy of celebration. So I'm going to be over here soaking it up, living it fully, and feeling very very happy.

I hope you're having a good summer Friends. Cheers. 

a beating heart

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I went to the Doctor this morning (nothing serious). As the nurse was taking my vitals she was called to help another patient and she left me alone in the exam room wearing a pulse oximeter on my finger.

I sat in silence and listened to my heart beating aloud.

I sat in silence and smiled. I like an audible reminder of the delicate and intricate systems that keep me in existence. I forget. What if I could hear the network of messages relaying in and out of my brain? What if I could hear the oxygen being converted to C02 in my lungs with every inhale/exhale? What if I could hear my white blood cells mobilizing, or my muscle fibers rebuilding in greater strength? Would it change the way I lived?

Hearing my heartbeat out loud today made me thankful.

Hearing it encouraged me that I am more vigorous and vital than I sometimes feel.

Hearing it made me determine again to live in such a way so as to not waste one day. Ever.

I had an amazing little coastal escape last weekend, and this morning as I heard my heart beating, it left me feeling so glad that I had seized the opportunity to go. I felt affirmed that I am indeed using every heart beat for loving, and learning, and appreciating, and maybe even a little adventuring too. 

Listen to your heart.

grattitude

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Over the weekend:

I spent a sweet Friday evening on the patio with my friend Clara and her growing belly. She let me rub it. Friends/birthing assistants are allowed those kinds of privileges.

I inhaled a little backyard campfire.

I taught a birthing class workshop.

I bought fresh flowers from the farmer's market.

I took a 4 hour Saturday afternoon nap in a soft bed by a sunny window.

I had uninterrupted conversation (rare) with one of my very very best friends on the planet. (Thank you Dzhan and Jamie for being so great)

I witnessed some supremely awesome breakdancing which made me laugh so hard.

I feasted on blueberry pancakes and REAL country bacon.

I hiked solo through the most insane amount of beautiful wildflowers...

And this was the view from the top of the Sauer Mountain Trail. Just gorgeous.  

I sat there for a long time feeling so grateful for a beautiful day, a restful weekend, and lots of lovely people who have been so kind over the last weeks. Thank you friends for your words of love and encouragement to me. It means everything.