I'm a fool

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 "I must learn to love the fool in me -- the one who feels too much, talks too much, takes too many chances, wins sometimes and loses often, lacks self-control, loves and hates, hurts and gets hurt, promises and breaks promises, laughs and cries. It alone protects me against that utterly self-controlled, masterful tyrant whom I also harbor and who would rob me of human aliveness, humility, and dignity but for my fool."


--- Theodore I. Rubin, MD


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Like this last picture, some days are like little valleys. Today was a little valley. I drove myself up, up to the top of the cliffs behind our house to try and regain some perspective. To try and see that all of the day's events had actually been quite small in comparison. To see that the sky hadn't actually fallen. To try and make peace with reality. To try and be thankful for all the different ingredients in my life and their relative proportions (even though some portions I would like more of, and some less of). And also to be little bit sad. To grieve for the things that I know deep down can never be, or at least grieve for the things I can't do right now. 


I guess the hardest part of dreaming a lot is that you give little pieces of heart away to each thought/idea. Especially if you've been thinking about them for any length of time...you live with those hopes for a while. It's not easy getting those heart-pieces back. I don't like it. I hate it actually. I don't like being woken up by other people when they don't see it my way or when the risk feels too risky. Rain during a parade sucks- even if it's given in love. Patching up your heart hurts, but I guess I knew that going in-- that reality would eventually catch up with me at some point. I knew that someone would eventually say "you can't be serious?" I don't want to live a stuck-in-a-rut, passionless life, but I guess I also need some grounding. I haven't figured out how to balance these two worlds yet.


What I am making peace with is that I really am (and will always be) a fool. (See the quote above.) But it's not always easy to be sorry for it. Sometimes, in fact, I'm not at all sorry for it.


Here's to climbing out, finding my way back up, and not giving up on the things that I love- the things that I want. Back to the drawing board. I'm going to try again.