"I miss you" - how I say it.
/Sometimes it comes out wistfully, like when I remember the way you used to softly rub my cheek to help me fall asleep. The words float out lightly riding atop my sigh, and my breath and my words are companions, and I say, "I miss you."
Other times it blurts out of me bluntly in a selfish, egocentric tantrum. I want to know what God's purpose was, and why it seems like it's something that I'll never understand? I verbally stomp my feet and I say, "I miss you."
There are moments when it escapes me anxiously. It's out before I know I've said it. I didn't mean to say it out loud, but like a small child that is lost and looking for their mother- you are gone from me! In a cry of desperation I say, "I miss you!"
Often times it seeps out of my smile gratefully. I think of how much you would love my children, and how, (through what you gave me, and what I am able to pass on) ... you are loving them. And with a hand over my heart I say, "I miss you."
Sometimes I utter it hopelessly. It's this unmoving marker in my life and I catch myself measuring time not by my birthdays or the date on the calendar, but instead by how long you've been gone. The years feel long. They stretch out behind me and before me, and in defeat I say, "I miss you."
And then, on days like today, when I relive... the words escape my heart and barely make their way up to my mouth. I find myself in a struggle to push back the pain and pull out the words. I'm not sure that they even qualify as words, actually. From an ache so deep, they are jagged and barely audible, and I say them- the hardest words, "I miss you."
“I don’t know what they are called, the spaces between sounds—but I think of you always in those intervals.”
Today marks 20 years. Is it strange that I feel as though I have cultivated a friendship with you even in your absence? I'm getting older and you are not. I think of you both as my mother and now also as my contemporary. There are so many things I wish I could ask you. So many things that I wish I could tell you. I want you to know that my brother is an amazing husband and father. He has such a big heart. Dad continues to love me well in your absence. He is one of my best friends. I've spent some sweet times with both of your sisters. They have your mannerisms and always share little memories of your childhood. It is such a comfort and such a gift.
And, I have forgiven myself for not being there the night that you died. I know you would want this. For a long time I held it against myself. I didn't want to be there, It was intentional. I'm horrible at goodbyes, and sometimes you just know what kind of pain you're capable of bearing. I wasn't strong enough to watch you slip away. I know this now, and have given my 14 year-old self the grace that she deserves.
I miss you Mom. I miss you every day, but today especially I remember you, and I have peace knowing that you are at peace. I love you.