Unpacking

It had been hanging around here for a couple of days.  I kept finding that old "mental suitcase" of sorts- packed full of emotions every where I went.  For a while, I tried to pretend that it wasn't there.  Then, I just hoped it would go away.  When it didn't, I sort of just scooted it out of my way and said, "yes, I'll take care of this when I have a quiet moment." I have been a mother for 8 years now, and that title brings me such joy.  There is nothing that is sweeter, nothing that brings me such deep-rooted happiness.  But, since my mother died 16 years ago, I have to admit, I usually approach Mother's Day with a bit of dread. I wish it weren't true,  but there is still a fair amount of sadness associated with this day.  It seems to serve as a cruel reminder that one of the most beloved figures in my life remains absent.

  

So, yesterday when Carl took the girls shopping for my Mother's Day gift I found myself alone.  In the quiet house. All by myself.  I was thankfully sewing away downstairs, enjoying uninterrupted productivity.  No music, no podcasts, no movies playing in the background.  Just a humming machine....and then "the suitcase".  I don't remember choosing to open it.  It sort of just flung open. I began to sob.  It was the kind of cry that you hope no one ever sees you wallowing in.  Mascara everywhere, wiping my dripping nose with my sleeve. The dog was extremely concerned. Every now and then the grief finds me.  It found me yesterday.  I usually tuck it away in that suitcase, but I guess it was time to unpack some of it.

I was crying because I wished that my Mom would come waltzing into the room and say, "Wow, Sis, I really love the way you've decorated in here."  I was crying because I wanted to sit next to her and have her softly rub my face the way she used to .  I cried because I can't call her up and ask her for her yorkshire pudding recipe that I'm sure I lost!  The tears kept coming because I can hardly remember the way she smelled. I was crying because she'll miss the birth of another grandchild (my brother's wife is due in a month). I cried because I wanted her to teach me how to swim better for this damn triathlon. I cried because our family is forever altered and no matter how much I want my Dad to be happy it is still weird to see him with another woman. I was crying because I know that she and I would get some great laughs together at Carl's expense. I was crying because I still don't understand, and it seems so unfair.

 

I cried because she is not here, and because I miss her.  Sometimes, I just need to say that out loud. I am at peace with the suitcase now.  It is back in the closet, a little less full.

Kiss your mother today...however imperfect she is.  She is precious.