::30::

 

(Me in Mrs. Korte's 1st grade class, I was Rainbow Brite for Halloween.  My mom made my costume! I thought it was so rockin'. In 1984 there was no such thing as red-eye reduction :)

Bittersweet.  That is how I would describe my feelings about turning 30.  Being the introspective person that I am, birthdays are "thinking days" for me.  I tend to take inventory of my life, remembering where I have been and wonder about where I am going.  I am not sure why but this birthday seems especially difficult- fighting tears right now in fact.  Its not as if I don't have a wonderful life.  I am healthy and happy and extremely blessed.  The last decade has been full.  So full.  College, marriage, babies, THREE BABIES, new homes, great jobs....all so wonderful. But somehow it feels as if I am turning a corner, leaving something behind. 

I wish I was one of those people who really embraced aging.  I wish I was someone who looked more distinguished with gray hair, and more voluptuous with a few extra added pounds. Instead, I just notice all the lumps, bumps, marks and wrinkles.  I think that the physical aspect of getting older really sucks.  What happened to eating anything I wanted and hardly gaining a pound?  Where did all the the athleticism go?  Anyone see my abdominal muscles lately...I think I have lost them.  I feel as though I am turning into a pile of mush on the outside- kinda like puberty in reverse.  Although I have heard that exercise can work wonders?!  Maybe I should try it sometime!

On the sweet side, I like how my heart has aged. The inside of me keeps getting better.  I am more sure of myself, more comfortable with myself and better friends with me.  I work less to impress people and work more to enjoy the moment.  Excitement has become a relative term.  Simple is better.  More pleasure is derived from watching my children sleep than some other big production. I have more patience and more acceptance.

How am I different at age 30?  I sleep less, remember less, and fear less. I weigh more, listen more and learn more.  I am older, and that is bittersweet.