week's report

First of all, I just really want to thank each and every one of you for the touching comments that you made on my last post.  I genuinely appreciate every word.  It was so kind of you to take the time to encourage me, and I've gone back to read through them a couple of times.  Sometimes it is hard to write such raw things down for everyone to read, but occasionally I just need to process things "out loud".  I wish I had the time on any given to day to respond individually to the comments that I receive from you.  Each one makes me laugh, or think, or just appreciate the view from where you sit.  Thank you, always, for leaving them, and know that they never go unread or un-valued.

Well, I certainly didn't mean to be gone for as long as I have been.  Last week just sort of flew right out the window.  I did quite a bit of this:

Three in one week! Each birth with its own little story.  It just never gets old. (okay scrubbing out the tub and toilet with bleach three times in one week- that gets old...but the birth, it is always miraculous to me.)

A fair amount of this:

 

The garden beds are made.  The corn patch is ready for tilling. Most of the seeds are in the ground (carrots, beans, radishes, lettuce, sunflowers).  The other plants (squash, tomatoes, cucumbers, broccoli and cauliflower) are hardening off on the back deck.  They will most likely make their home in the warm soil this weekend. It is good get a little dirt under my nails.

Not pictured last week are the hours of homeschooling (I'm looking at curriculum for next year and plan to revisit this topic soon), a bit of swimmer's ear, carpet cleaning (thanks to the puppy- he's on thin ice), park play, weed pulling, flower pot planting, and some movie watching (I know I'm the last person on earth to watch it.  I totally get what all the hype was about.  I may be a little bit in love with Edward.  I also really loved seeing my old ecosystem. Sometimes I really miss the moss). 

We did manage to sneak in a few quiet moments.

Sitting still together. 

 

 Life is full and real and messy and sweet- just trying to take it all in.  Hope to be back soon!

Unpacking

It had been hanging around here for a couple of days.  I kept finding that old "mental suitcase" of sorts- packed full of emotions every where I went.  For a while, I tried to pretend that it wasn't there.  Then, I just hoped it would go away.  When it didn't, I sort of just scooted it out of my way and said, "yes, I'll take care of this when I have a quiet moment." I have been a mother for 8 years now, and that title brings me such joy.  There is nothing that is sweeter, nothing that brings me such deep-rooted happiness.  But, since my mother died 16 years ago, I have to admit, I usually approach Mother's Day with a bit of dread. I wish it weren't true,  but there is still a fair amount of sadness associated with this day.  It seems to serve as a cruel reminder that one of the most beloved figures in my life remains absent.

  

So, yesterday when Carl took the girls shopping for my Mother's Day gift I found myself alone.  In the quiet house. All by myself.  I was thankfully sewing away downstairs, enjoying uninterrupted productivity.  No music, no podcasts, no movies playing in the background.  Just a humming machine....and then "the suitcase".  I don't remember choosing to open it.  It sort of just flung open. I began to sob.  It was the kind of cry that you hope no one ever sees you wallowing in.  Mascara everywhere, wiping my dripping nose with my sleeve. The dog was extremely concerned. Every now and then the grief finds me.  It found me yesterday.  I usually tuck it away in that suitcase, but I guess it was time to unpack some of it.

I was crying because I wished that my Mom would come waltzing into the room and say, "Wow, Sis, I really love the way you've decorated in here."  I was crying because I wanted to sit next to her and have her softly rub my face the way she used to .  I cried because I can't call her up and ask her for her yorkshire pudding recipe that I'm sure I lost!  The tears kept coming because I can hardly remember the way she smelled. I was crying because she'll miss the birth of another grandchild (my brother's wife is due in a month). I cried because I wanted her to teach me how to swim better for this damn triathlon. I cried because our family is forever altered and no matter how much I want my Dad to be happy it is still weird to see him with another woman. I was crying because I know that she and I would get some great laughs together at Carl's expense. I was crying because I still don't understand, and it seems so unfair.

 

I cried because she is not here, and because I miss her.  Sometimes, I just need to say that out loud. I am at peace with the suitcase now.  It is back in the closet, a little less full.

Kiss your mother today...however imperfect she is.  She is precious.

Down for the Count

Several things can make a girl recover more quickly from a massive ear infection: a stack of books, box of tissues, plenty of water, chicken soup, a warmed bag of rice, Tylenol with codeine and Amoxicillin (blech- hate these...but they were absolutely necessary this time! Emma swears that the antibiotics taste like shampoo)....

 

Also, never underestimate the power of Mr. Rodgers and a puppy who snuggles close by. 

The house seems to be quiet for the moment.  I am going to find my way to the sewing machine.  Making this.  See you soon.