on the up-swing

It was a gorgeous morning at the park. (I downloaded the instagram app today. I know I'm the last person on the planet to do so. What took me so long?)

We did some climbing.

I also did a little cleaning. Ian came down with some sort of stomach bug this morning. He puked right in the middle of Target and I just sort of stood their frozen- not sure what to do. It was one of those moments when I felt totally unqualified to be a mom. What are you supposed to do in that situation? I just grabbed him and ran for the door. Poor guy. Hope he feels better soon. This is his first real illness. I'm missing the superpowers of breast milk right about now. Anyways, that whole deal necessitated a massive car seat cleaning. Gross.)

We (I) ate a light little dinner sans husband. I do miss him when he travels, but I gotta say cooking is a breeze when I'm here solo. Salmon burger salad was on the menu. Tasty.

And then we had a little after dinner dance party. What's not to love about having young girls in the house who give you an excuse to download songs like this. (Did you notice that they were driving my van in the video?) I can teeny-bop with the best of them.

I'm feeling better than I was yesterday. Thanks for letting me process some of that stuff out loud. I've had a few really big ideas lately, and well, they haven't all been met with the kind of enthusiasm that I was hoping for. Defeating you know? But when you want something bad enough... I guess you just find another way- right? I'm bouncing back now, and just in time too. Guess who's coming to hang with me for a few days? Yep, my farm-girl friend/cousin- in the flesh. We've got some fun up our sleeves. Watch out...it might get crazy.

I'm a fool

 "I must learn to love the fool in me -- the one who feels too much, talks too much, takes too many chances, wins sometimes and loses often, lacks self-control, loves and hates, hurts and gets hurt, promises and breaks promises, laughs and cries. It alone protects me against that utterly self-controlled, masterful tyrant whom I also harbor and who would rob me of human aliveness, humility, and dignity but for my fool."

--- Theodore I. Rubin, MD

Like this last picture, some days are like little valleys. Today was a little valley. I drove myself up, up to the top of the cliffs behind our house to try and regain some perspective. To try and see that all of the day's events had actually been quite small in comparison. To see that the sky hadn't actually fallen. To try and make peace with reality. To try and be thankful for all the different ingredients in my life and their relative proportions (even though some portions I would like more of, and some less of). And also to be little bit sad. To grieve for the things that I know deep down can never be, or at least grieve for the things I can't do right now. 

I guess the hardest part of dreaming a lot is that you give little pieces of heart away to each thought/idea. Especially if you've been thinking about them for any length of time...you live with those hopes for a while. It's not easy getting those heart-pieces back. I don't like it. I hate it actually. I don't like being woken up by other people when they don't see it my way or when the risk feels too risky. Rain during a parade sucks- even if it's given in love. Patching up your heart hurts, but I guess I knew that going in-- that reality would eventually catch up with me at some point. I knew that someone would eventually say "you can't be serious?" I don't want to live a stuck-in-a-rut, passionless life, but I guess I also need some grounding. I haven't figured out how to balance these two worlds yet.

What I am making peace with is that I really am (and will always be) a fool. (See the quote above.) But it's not always easy to be sorry for it. Sometimes, in fact, I'm not at all sorry for it.

Here's to climbing out, finding my way back up, and not giving up on the things that I love- the things that I want. Back to the drawing board. I'm going to try again. 

Why not?

We watched this movie last weekend. There is a reoccurring line in the movie that goes like this...

Why not? I love that. Just, why not? Sometimes we over think things. Indecision drives me insane. I cannot stand that "rainbow spinning wheel" that comes up on the screen on my mac when it is thinking (or frozen). There are lots of people who get stuck in that mode too. I am not one of them. It's probably true that they act as a good balance to all of us out there who want to fly by the seat of our pants, but sometimes it just feels like a maddening bottleneck to spontaneity waiting for them to catch up. Here are some  rash decisions I'd like to make:

buy this necklace? wear this necklace? why not?

live in this van (or heck, maybe even a cardboard box) on that beach. why not?

build this in the back yard? why not?

eat strawberries like this from now on? why not?

slurp these popsicles (drowning in champagne) every other day this summer? why not?

eat dinner on this dock? jump in the water and leave my bathing suit on this dock? why not?

order this duvet from west elm? why not? (I already did this one...it came last week. love!)

paint pillowcases like this to match? why not?

buy plane tickets and travel back east, or overseas, or anywhere- and wear this? why not?

Let's just do it all. Why not?