bonfire

Sometimes we drive down the dirt road, out to the orchard,

and build a fire.

We meet our friends, and take out our pocket knives.

Charlie comes too.

We might enjoy a cold one (not many more than that for this on call mama),

as the sun goes down.

 

We say goodnight to the horse,

We lounge in chairs, eat cookies, and get sleepy.

People have been sitting around fires for thousands of years. It is not a new idea, but it is a good one. 

Happy night, the smell of campfire is still in my hair.

 I wonder how the moon looked in the sky from where you were?

::11::

"How can it be?" I ask myself this already knowing deep down it is true. Most days I forget that I'm a grown-up, and now you are eleven? Whoa. It's not a cliche, it really does go by so quickly. Where once there was a paunchy bellied, curly-haired girl sitting snug on my lap, there is now a lovely young lady sitting beside me.

Thank you Emma for being so full of grace towards me. For letting me grow up a little alongside you. For being long-suffering with my endless talking and for not being afraid when you see me cry. Thank you for being swift to forgive me when I mess it all up, for being the first one to ask for a hug. Thank you for finding all the things that I lose and for not making too much fun of me when you have to explain your math assignment to me. 

  

The other day I heard you say (in complete frustration), "I don't get you Mom!" And I know. I know that we are standing on the cusp of big things. I find myself grasping at every last straw of your girlhood. You are literally changing right before my eyes. Growing up is hard. It can be so hard. There are days when I want to pull you aside and put my arm around you and just say over and over again, "I know. I know. I know." 

But you are doing it. You are growing up and I am so proud of you. You are incredible inside and out. How did you manage to get your Dad's artistry, his deep blue eyes, long eyelashes, long legs, and his ear for music? All the good stuff! At least you got my hair :) You have strong convictions and I trust your heart. Thank you for wearing it on your sleeve sometimes. 

I know I am pulled in a lot of different directions. I know that you don't always get the time with me that you want. I know it is not always easy to be the oldest, and that some days I ask a lot of you. I know our house is messy. It is not nearly as organized as you (or Dad) would like it to be. Every day is not easy. Thank you for reaching out for my hand and always being so free with your "I love yous." Thank you for rising to the challenges and serving others with a heart like Jesus.

Please know that it all began with you. You. You were the one that ignited the previously unknown-to-me place in my heart- a fierce corner that I never knew existed. You have taught me that I am capable of loving so fully- so vehemently. I remember leaving the hospital with you. I cried in the back seat sitting next to you. How could God possibly see me fit to care for you? To keep you alive? To shape and mold and love you enough? It was a mixture of total fear, total awe, and total honor. 

Thank you for coming to us. You are a perfect expression of the love that Dad and I have.  (Thank you for making barfing sounds when we kiss, pretending to think its gross. It makes us laugh.) Thank you for being our daughter and making it so easy to love you. 

 Happy 11th Birthday Emma. 

Emma wanted to have a sleep over for her birthday. Pizza, ice cream sundaes, games, and a movie. What a delightful group of girls. So mannerly and they were all asleep by 11pm! What do you get an 11 year old for her birthday? Well, this and this and these of course!

get lost

It's 12:37pm. I'm sitting down to lunch  standing up at the counter eating again. I've just put Ian down for a nap. He's only gotten out of his bed 4 times. I think he's asleep now. The girls are waiting downstairs for me to come do spelling, math, and to read with them. We've already weeded our way through science, social studies, a violin lesson, and bible earlier this morning. The day has also included chores, a few errands, and a little first aid as Ian got a bottle of all-purpose cleaner and sprayed it on his face and in his mouth!! Carl is gone again. Just overnight this time, but still,  he's not here.  I'm standing amongst a pile of papers, putting the finishing touches on monthly progress reports, weekly certified teacher check-ins, copywork lessons for Hannah, and hand outs for my birthing class. Later on there will be dinner and swimming lessons. This weekend I'm on call and we have two slumber parties happening (one of which we are hosting).... there are messes to clean, groceries to buy, and gifts to wrap.

Sometimes I just want to get lost. And no- not in this:

(clean laundry that waits to be folded. volunteers?)

I want to lose track of the day and the time and where I'm supposed to be and of what I'm supposed to be doing. I want to get lost in the most irresponsible way. I want to move at my own pace and linger and dawdle and dilly dally. 

I could get lost in:

:: a good book- to be able to just read and read and read...

(Emma read her book cover-to-cover yesterday. She completely ignored me when I set a plate of apple crisp down next to her.)

:: a project (scroll down to the skirt) 

:: a long nap

:: a long kiss

:: a long talk-  a real talk. face to face. no calls or texts that end with "Sorry I've got to go" or "ttyl" or interruptions from crying children...but a real talk that only ends when we run out of things to say and not before.

:: pottery? I've never tried it before. I'd make this first.

:: a cup of tea

(I found this one sitting on the counter 3 hours after I brewed it. The cup was full.  I had forgotten about it. I do it all the time.)

:: writing 

:: planning

:: a good case of the giggles

:: a good 5 o'clock shadow- mmm mmm. scratchy scruffy.

:: a good bite of chocolate 

:: a sunrise

:: ikea- I'm all swoony for this patio set. Could I also have the bayfront view too?

:: a challenge or something to figure out

:: art, in all mediums - i love this blog. mind blown!

:: my ipod and some pavement

:: my goggles and some water (preferably chlorinated)

:: my bike and a trail

:: my bed. oh I love, love, LOVE my bed.

:: window shopping

:: the library

..................................

Do you understand this at all? Do you ever feel this way? I know that the days are long and the years are short. This fact brings me back to the here and now. It revives my patience and tolerance with all the demands upon my most precious commodity- time.

But oh to be lost for a while.